Our Nightmare: a My Immortal Commentary
by ItsTheGrimmmm
Summary: Jessica and Jessie's travels through the hell that is "My Immortal". All rights go to Tara Gilesbie.
1. Chapter 1

_**Our Nightmare: Jessie and Jessica's travels through the hell that is My Immortal.**_

Normal: Jessie (Known Unknowns)

_Italics: Jessica (ItsTheGrimmmm)_

**Bold: Tara Gilesbie's monstrosity**

A/N: Okay, so we've developed a fascination with My Immortal - the infamous shit fic created by Tara Gilesbie, AKA xxbloodyrists666xx (or something to that effect). Upon discovering this... thing, we decided to do a commentary on it. Yes, there are hundreds of other MI commentaries, but we figured we needed to apply our own scathing sarcasm to this mockery of HP canon. Enjoy it while you can - there's a good chance FFN will take this own, mostly because it's one huge flame, and not a real story! Anyway, buckle up and keep all hands and feet inside the car... this is Our Nightmare.

**Chapter 1.**

**AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!**

Thank you so much for clarifying that you are not homosexual, because that of course has everything to do with the plot of the story. Also, if I was her precious boyfriend 'Justin' (whom I suspect to be a blowup doll of some variety) I'd be offended that her life is still so depressing with him in it.

_Obviously this Raven girl also sucks at spelling and grammar, which I see TONS of errors in._

**Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears**

Well, that's a run-on sentence if I ever witnessed one. It kind of goes without saying that her name is completely fucking ridiculous, and it just gives you a heads up that you're in for a morbidly bad ride. Also, the simile that ends this clusterfuck of an intro sentence has me confused. What, dare I ask, are limpid tears?

_And also… how would her parents know that she was going to have "ebony black hair"? Are they psychic? _

**and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).**

I suppose I should have really listened to this and stopped reading, since I haven't the slightest clue who Amy Lee is. Thanks for the advice, Tara.

_Then I guess I shouldn't be here. If only I could be that lucky. *Sigh* _

**I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.**

So... apparently her being attracted to another female is gross, but having a sexual fascination with someone she wishes she was related to is just dandy. Right-o.

_How the hell did this come up? And I don't know who he is but apparently he's hot._

**I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin.**

The first sentence, I fail to see why that information is relevant. And a pale vampire? No way...

**I'm also a witch,**

Because most of the characters in Harry Potter stories are Muggles.

**and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen).**

'Magic school' may have been the least descriptive way that she possibly could have described Hogwarts. Although the location for Hogwarts is still up for debate, most people agree it's not in England, it's in Scotland.

**I'm a Goth (in case you couldn't tell)**

The username bloodyrists666 kind of tipped me off.

**and I wear mostly black.**

Okay. I don't care.

_OMG! You wear all black?! That's sooooo cool! -.-_

**I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.**

This statement had me on the floor in tears. You do realize Hot Topic is not only owned by a quote un quote 'prep store' but is quite possibly the most main-stream and popular clothing outlet for teens?

**For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.**

Since she clearly adheres to the ridiculously overdone Goth stereotype, shouldn't she hate pink or something? Also - uniforms? Anyone?

_She just said that she wears all black… last time I checked pink wasn't even close to black… Ebony Dark'ness, you sit on a throne of lies! _

**I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.**

Because that white foundation is incredibly necessary.

**I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.**

She does realize it can't snow and rain at the same time, right? I think the word she's looking for is 'sleet'.

**A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.**

Wow. She's such a rebel.

**"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!**

The suspense of those four dots really got to me.

**"What's up Draco?" I asked.**

**"Nothing." he said shyly.**

And so the OOCness begins.

**But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.**

Hopefully she's 'going away' to a busy intersection where she'll have an unfortunate run in with a semi.

_She has friends?! What is this?_

**AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!**

*puts gun to temple* The agony.

_Fangs? PLZ? Looks like someone isn't getting far in life._

**Chapter 2.**

**AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!**

Okay... so, she asks if it's good, she asks for feedback, and when someone doesn't like it they're preps? And what exactly is her definition of prep? And why is she using text talk? So many questions that will never be answered.

_The only flaming I'll be doing is setting my computer on fire to avoid this disaster._

**The next day I woke up in my bedroom.**

You mean the Girl's Dormitory...?

**It was snowing and raining again.**

*bangs head against wall*

**I opened the door of my coffin**

Silly me, I thought coffins had lids. I also thought that the world made sense. This story is teaching me all kinds of new things!

_She just had to sleep in a coffin. _

**and drank some blood from a bottle I had.**

A little back story would be nice. Where does she get that blood? Does she just go around performing exsanguinations on people in her free time?

_Hmm… its always useful to have a handy dandy bottle-o-blood next to your bed. Oh and I almost forgot… I HOPE YOU GET AIDS!_

**My coffin was black ebony**

That's redundant.

_I get it. Hehe…'cause her name is Ebony. Hehe..._

**and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.**

That hot pink really says Goth, doesn't it?

**I got out of my coffin**

Please get back in.

**and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas.**

She does realize that not every human being in the world listens to My Chemical Romance and gets the abbreviation, right?

**Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on.**

_I have this strange feeling that she's going to be wearing fishnets a lot._

**I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.**

I seriously couldn't give less of a crap about what she's wearing. Why does this story waste so much time blathering on about her unrealistic wardrobe?

_Why all the details with her clothing choices? _

**My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)**

Did the random AN really need to be there?

**woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.**

I have a hilarious mental image of some creepy looking chick waking up, grinning, flipping her hair, THEN opening her eyes. And why does everyone have such ridiculous hair?

_So much detail on this chick even before she wakes up._

**She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)**

If she's a vampire and so damn pale, why does she need white foundation?

_Are you sharing the makeup? And why so much black? _

**"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.**

Speaking in text talk fits my definition of a 'prep', but I guess that's just me. And why is Willow so shocked that she saw Malfoy? They DO go to school with him...

_Guess she's uber excited about her and Draco hooking up._

"**Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.**

Okay, vampires don't have blood and therefore cannot blush, and secondly, even if they could, I'm not sure you could see it through all the ridiculous makeup she's wearing.

_And why would she get so embarrassed over it, since she is such a rebel and such?_

**"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.**

**"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.**

Hogwarts Layout Lesson: The Slytherin common room is in the dungeons, and the Great Hall is on the ground floor. This sentence makes it sound like they walk out of the common room right into the Great Hall.

_I guess it was very necessary to use the F word in that sentence._

"**Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.**

**"Hi." he said.**

**"Hi." I replied flirtily.**

That squiggly red line is code for 'dumb ass'.

_How do you talk "flirtily"? Do you do so with a dumb ass grin on your face or do you get all shy? I'm so confused. _

**"Guess what." he said.**

_Chicken butt? :D_

**"What?" I asked.**

**"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.**

So many problems with this. Good Charlotte is a MUGGLE band. Why would they be playing in a wizard village that has Disillusionment charms on it so you can't even see it if you're a Muggle? And why would Malfoy, the Muggle hating pureblood, listen to Muggle music?

_And I bet that Mummy and Daddy Malfoy wouldn't approve him listening to Muggle music._

**"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.**

That's kind of an overreaction. And we get it. She likes MCR. No one cares.

**"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.**

**I gasped.**

That's a dramatic cliffhanger, isn't it?

A/N: We're only doing two crapters at a time to save our brains from being completely liquefied. Next pair will be along soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Our Nightmare: Jessie and Jessica's travels through the hell that is My Immortal.**

Normal: Jessie (Known Unknowns)

_Italics: Jessica (ItsTheGrimmmm)_

**Bold: Tara Gilesbie's monstrosity**

**Chapter 3.**

**AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.**

Someone left good reviews for this? That's clearly a lie.

_Obviously you don't own the lyrics to any of Good Charlottes songs. You can't even write a good story, let alone write successful songs._

**On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms.**

More needless information about what she's wearing.

_Hmmmmm… Corset stuff? And more fish nets? Very nice -.-_

**I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.**

*flicks off safety of gun pointed at head*

_Doesn't a straightener straighten your hair? Not make it spiky?_

**I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.**

Alright - so many things wrong with this sentence .One, you use the same inflection to say 'so I slit one of my wrists' as one would use to say 'so I made a cheese sandwich'. Cutters don't just think, "Hmm, I'm a little sad, let's slit my wrist!" especially if they're only a LITTLE depressed. Also, if she's going to a concert with the guy she likes, shouldn't she be happy?

_Isn't she a vampire? Don't they drink blood because they don't have any? And I thought a knife or razor couldn't cut through vampire skin… apparently I'm the dumb one here._

**I read a depressing book**

I'm reading a depressing fanfiction.

**while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC.**

I thought you were reading your depressing book? And once more, with feeling: VAMPIRES DON'T BLEED. (At least not any that I've heard of...)

**I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner.**

She definitely needed to emphasize how ludicrous she looks.

**Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway.**

Never stopped her before...

_So. Much. Black. *Twitch*_

**I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.**

No concert is complete without a few sips of human blood. Still stumped on where she got it from.

_You know… that's what all the kewl kidz are doing now a days._

**I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.**

Wow. A few things here, obviously. To begin with, Hogsmeade is fairly close to Hogwarts, in walking distance, and I don't see why it's necessary to fly there. Also, considering Harry and Ron nearly got expelled for having a flying car on Hogwarts grounds, why is Malfoy allowed to have one? And where did he park it, exactly? And why would Malfoy have a car in the first place when he and his family hate all things Muggle related?

_And isn't Mr. Weasley the only one who owns a flying car? He was the one who enchanted it._

**He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).**

If anyone could actually imagine Malfoy wearing this, please commit yourself to an asylum. And it's kind of pathetic that she had to defend that point within her own story.

_Simple Plan and MCR playing together… I don't think so..._

**"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.**

Exclamation point kind of conflicts with the depressed voice, doesn't it?

**"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert.**

Then they flew to that place with the story that didn't completely suck.

_And the license plate number was completely necessary._

**On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson.**

I've never heard of anyone 'excitedly' listening to Marilyn Manson. And once more, with how close Hogsmeade is, you'd probably barely have time to listen to one song.

_How exactly can you listen to music excitedly? Are you just sitting there with stupid ass grins on your faces? _

**We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.**

Just like the kewl boiz do.

_Why would you smoke drugs when you can't get high? You're a vampire._

**When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage**

Good thing you clarified that, I thought the mosh pit was at the back... in a corner... behind a lamp...

**and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.**

Way to be descriptive.

**"You come in cold, you're covered in blood**

**They're all so happy you've arrived**

**The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom**

**She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).**

That disclaimer is completely unneeded for two reasons.

1. You already said at the top, thus clarifying that you didn't write the song.

2. Anyone who has read the story so far obviously knows you couldn't write something that intelligent.

**"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.**

**Suddenly Draco looked sad.**

I WONDER WHY.

_Aw. Draco sad. =( I thought Draco Malfoy didn't have any emotions except hate. Hmmm. I learn something new every day._

**"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.**

Okay, if you were really at a concert, you wouldn't be able to carry on a coherent conversation with anyone over the noise.

_Or if you tried to have a conversation you would get hit in the face. I have never been to a concert with a mosh pit but I can tell everyone that you don't "jump up and down"._

**"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.**

_And the emphasis on the" you" was sooooooo needed there._

**"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.**

Because we know that Malfoy is both sensitive and protective (which kind of contradict each other). Also, why did she even point out in the first place that Joel is 'so fucking hot'?

_First sad, then sensitive, then protective? I think someone is bipolar._

**"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.**

Someone's got some anger issues. What did Hilary Duff ever do to her, other than simply exist and make music she apparently doesn't like?

**The night went on really well, and I had a great time.**

But then she got a little depressed and slit her wrists again.

**So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them.**

Aren't Goths supposed to be aloof or something? And ooh, drinking beer, she's so hardcore.

_Vampires don't drink human drinks or eat human food… and I bet she broke the camera with her ugly goffik face. Oh snap. That was mean._

**We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest!**

She really knows how to keep us on the edge of our seats, doesn't she?

_Oh God. What are they going to do in the Forbidden Forest? Pet a unicorn? Feed the hungry werewolves? GAHHHH. Can't wait for crapter four._

**Chapter 4.**

**AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!**

The only thing worse than her story are the author notes at the beginning. She also clearly has very little knowledge of fanfiction if she thinks people are calling her Mary Sue by accident, and doesn't understand that it's an insult. Oh, and way to spell your own character's name wrong.

**"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"**

**Draco didn't answer**

_It's awfully rude to not answer a question, young Draco._

**but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it.**

**I walked out of it too, curiously.**

How does one walk curiously? Do you skip?

_Lol. I laughed for about five minutes after reading that. _

**"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.**

Did I miss the part where she had a reason to be angry?

_EBONY ANGRY!_

**"Ebony?" he asked.**

**"What?" I snapped.**

**Draco leaned in extra-close**

Because that doesn't sound like a six year old wrote it.

_Not just regular old close, but extra close._

**and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts)**

When in doubt, just use gothic as a fallback adjective.

**which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness**

Evilness? Okay... um, earlier he was described as protective and sensitive, that doesn't really jive with evil, does it? This was when I truly began to think this was just a sick joke...

**and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.**

Yes, when I see evil in someone's eyes, I'm IMMEDIATELY comforted. Also, if a boy dressed all in black was leaning over me with red contacts and I saw evil in his eyes, I wouldn't stop feeling mad, I'd probably be pretty sure I was going to get violently raped.

**And then…suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.**

What?

**Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.**

Draco is such a fantastic lover that the laws of physics do not apply to him.

**He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra.**

**Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.**

Hold on while I catch my breath, my ribs hurt from laughing so much... so, you'll say fuck eight times in a paragraph, and talk about cutting yourself, but saying 'penis' and 'vagina' is too explicit for you?

_Doesn't she still have her undies and pants on? She never said anything about her pants coming off... just her top and bra._

**"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm.**

Good to know.

**We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm.**

Shouldn't you have been warmed up a little earlier if he's already banging you? Well, actually, no, BECAUSE YOU'RE A VAMPIRE AND YOU DON'T PRODUCE HEAT.

**And then…**

Four dots? GAHHH, the suspense!

**"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"**

**It was….Dumbledore!**

I... have no words.

_DUMBLEDORE! WHY ARE YOU SWEARING!?_

A/N: Ow. We'll need a few days to recover from that one. Thanks for reading, kids, drop us a review too. :)


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